Loving More Than One – Poly in BDSM
I want to thank the individual who asked me to write about Poly, and am very grateful of how they have helped us grow as individuals as well as a “Triad” here in the Tampa Bay Area. This person is very dear to my heart, and I would do anything for them. Thank you for asking me to write, and it is an honor.
I am Belle or you may know me as A_Midnight_Angel, it was About 25 years ago, I never would have thought about loving more than one person was possible. I was raised with the believe that you only have just “One” person you will truly love. It wasn’t until 2002 when I first met My Master and My Lady and that is when everything flipped my little world upside down.
As a Poly-triad we have a unique dynamic we are BDSM & Poly-household, so here is how we work as a Poly-triad.
First let me say that there is a huge difference between Polygamy and Polyamory, granted I was born and raised in Utah, and am not offended when people who hear that I am from Utah, they ask me two questions, with the first being am I Mormon and a polygamist? And the second is does Utah really exist?
So what is the difference between the two – Polygamy is the practice of having more than wife or husband at the same time.
Polyamory is the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.
When I first entered my relationship, I was told from the beginning that My Master would have other lovers, both male and female, and it would be something I would have to be okay with, granted I accepted that but did not really understand it, until it happened.
When it happened, we had to cross some bridges and talk, about the good the bad and the ugly sometimes those who wanted to come involved with My Master would try to get rid of My Lady or myself, when Master saw that he put an end to it quickly.
Secondly, I will state there is no right or wrong way to live a poly life. The key to making it work is COMMUNICATION! Without proper communication between all parties involved can lead up to disasters, and heartache.
So while being part of a “Triad” I get asked the following questions:
Q. Are you allowed to have another Dom or Domme while you serve your Master & your Lady?
A. Yes! It is encouraged, however they are told that I do have a primary relationship and that they must also communicate with the both of them to make sure they are okay with the encounter and what that person is looking for to build on the D/s relationship. Is it going to involve sex? Is it going to interfere with other responsibilities that I have, or orders? So a meeting is something that will happen between all involved.
Q: How do you make it work?
A: First of all communication is important, we have weekly meetings and we bring everything to the table, ideas, suggestions, issues, problems with anything or anyone to the table and we talk about them and try to find a resolution to problems. The second thing any poly family needs is harmony. Harmony: Any family needs harmony; a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity. Just like raising children you need to be consistent, this is not a one-way road, but is a two way, three way or as many ways for the number of people involved in the relationship. This also depends on the dynamic of your relationship-meaning is it BDSM with Poly or is it Poly with a side of BDSM. It also depends on the household.
Being a BDSM dynamic on top of poly can really make things interesting. For instance, my role as the Alpha-submissive, is to handle all scheduling, appointments, activities, planning, and bookings of events, as well as our extra-curricular activities. By doing so allows all of us to know each-other’s individual schedule as well as upcoming lifestyle events, and leisure activities to make sure that nothing gets forgotten. Again, this is another form of communication, because if you do not have an order, or a pleasing arrangement of the relationship or the comings and goings of individuals and schedules, then you will deal with conflict. Where there is conflict, it can crumble fast, and you may find the arrangement and the relationship gone. Finally, just as with poly, there is no right or wrong way to handle a D/s relationship, it all depends on how your dynamic works.
Q: Are you allowed to find other relationships?
A: Yes, we are allowed to find other relationships and partners, however before we tend to form a bond, our house has a set list of rules to ensure the safety of EVERYONE involved. They are as follows:
- Communication – Communication is important that everyone involved should be on the same level and proper communication should be sent to all parties involved, such as a group text message/email or phone call.
- STD/STI Testing: Before accepting any new play partners, or sexual encounters all must be tested for STD/STI’s because this does not just affect one person, but all involved. This is something that can become serious, and cannot just upset but can possibly be deadly if we are not responsible for our sexual health and others involved. If a new potential partner or lover refuses, then it is simple we do not play sexually at all. I personally refuse to put myself at risk as well as my other house members who are responsible to uphold the rules.
- Respect everyone involved, yet we may not involve all of our partners with other members of the household, however if they happen to be visiting when other household members are over, you are to treat them with respect, just as they are to treat you with respect.
Now not everyone who becomes a partner of one person means that they are automatically shared with others. What I mean by this is that Since our house is a D/s with Poly, doesn’t mean that If Master has another submissive that she is house property, and is shared with the Lady and myself, or if I take a submissive of my own that they are shared with My Master or M’Lady this is an option that is left to the individual wishing to be part of our “Triad”
Now you that you see how we work as a Triad, Polyamory is not an excuse to cheat or lie or hide information from your partners. Being active in a poly relationship we have had our downfalls, such as secrets from one another, and we quickly found out that we have hurt each other, and that it is hard to mend those pieces. When it happened it was the first and the last time it happened, and in the 14 years that we have been a poly-triad, we have learned how to communicate better with each other (granted sometimes we forget, but hey we are human) and we have learned to listen to one another and respect the feelings of the individual who may have felt hurt, left out and when that happens we always try to find a way to nurture one another’s love and encourage them to grow.
As being successful for 14 years, we enjoy educating our local community, and traveling and sharing our journey through Poly.